Every parent of school aged children knows about “that child.” They’re the one who is demonstrative and slightly aggressive. The one who doesn’t always does that work, who throws tantrums at the worst time, who no kid wants to play with because they don’t know how they will act around them. The child who we all think is a brat or who’s parents aren’t able to control and are therefore failing them.
I am the dad to “that child.”
This describes my youngest son. He is 6 years old and in his second year of school. Now before he started school, he was fine. He had a few quirky things that we just put down to personality. How wrong were we.
But my son isn’t “that child” because of my failures as a parent. That is hard for me to understand at times. I wonder what I may have done to cause him to act that way. I look at myself and say “is it my example that he is copying?” Is it a failure of my training him? Why is he that way? And the answer to those questions never is me. I didn’t do anything that caused him to be that child.
No, my son has high-functioning autism (Asperger’s). We described it to our eldest son as this: instead of having a freeway with clear thought lanes running through his head, it is more like a busy inner city with laneways and alleys and one way streets that are blocked with traffic and pedestrians and is rather chaotic. And when this happens, it is quite literally a traffic jam and our youngest son can’t cope with it. He is smart and intelligent but he can’t always handle tough situations, changing routines or express the way he is feeling. It makes him lash out. And this makes him to those uninformed parents “that child.”
Like when he was at a cross country event and just lost it and wouldn’t finish except when Dad walked with him. Or when he was playing football (which he loves) and wouldn’t handle not being able to compete. Another time was when he was at a shopping centre, and cried because he just wanted to go home as it was too noisy. What about when he is so tired that all he wants to do is scream or lash out because he can’t make the noise stop. All these things make it hard for my little boy.
It hurts me when I see him suffer the loss of friends or being teased or not being invited to parties etc, because I know what it’s like to be rejected because you are different. But the sad part is that my boy isn’t even aware that he is being rejected. He is oblivious to it all.
To the parents who see my son as that child, just take a moment to be in his shoes and then take another moment to be in our shoes. Then, stop your judgement, your stares and your fear and start to see that he’s just another little boy with a few challenges, and we are parents struggling to meet those challenges and to give our boy the best life we can. Show a little grace, mercy, empathy and support. If you can’t do that, then the best thing for all of us and any other parent who is in a similar situation, is to keep your thoughts to yourself. That way we all can live in peace together.